Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Lately I have been in a big rut and I think I am just bored. No kids are at home and I should be exercising to lose the last 20 pounds of baby weight but I just can't motivate myself, so instead I sit at the computer and spill it all out.

I might as well give my background that led me to start blogging today. I have been married for 6 years and have two boys 3 and 1 who are all so sweet and I know love me very much, as I love them too. We live in a modest house in a great community. I suffered severe PPD after my second son and got lots of help I just can't seem to get back on track to 100%. I worked for a few months over the holidays, but with the boys and their ear infections it just became too much, so I quit. I didn't mind that so much because I would rather have free time for the summer.

Maybe I need to up the antidepressant dosage that I'm on. I just feel blah and unfortunately my poor husband has to take the brunt of it. For whatever reason, when he comes near me I can feel my body rejecting him before he even touches me. I know I love him and don't want to be with anyone else, but THAT is the absolute last thing I want to do. The poor guy - I'm lucky he stays with me when his wife is constantly turning him down.

It's funny how when you talk to other moms in the same situation, they all look at you like your crazy. Like staying at home with the kids full-time is fun. Either they are lying to themselves about the "joys" of mommyhood or are lying to me. This goes back to when I was pregnant the first time. Nobody ever complained to me about being pregnant. Once I got to experience the pleasures and mostly pains, I wondered why nobody told me about this and that. My friends that got pregnant after me appreciated that they knew what to really expect.

Fast forward to the infant period and experiencing the hardships that come with a newborn. Everyone said how much they loved the newborn stage (what!?) and no, they didn't know what I was talking about with being nervous all the time about SIDS and colors of poops and whatever else. I would come to find out later that these other moms were just afraid to tell the truth. Thanks a lot, who are you protecting, yourself or did you just want to make yourself feel better by making me feel like I was the only one to experience this.

Now here I am and I don't care if people think I'm neurotic or too truthful if that's possible. I love my kids, but I hate that I have no other identity but mom and people are going to hear that from me. I wouldn't trade in my kids for anything in the world, but that is all I have become and I don't know what to do with myself. When there is the free time from babysitting, I mean mommying, I need to be the maid and clean and do laundry and make phone calls for insurance bills from middle of the night ER visits and cook and food shop and it never freaking ends!!!

So that's my story and it is the truth and it feels good to say so. I will post pictures of my gorgeous boys at another time!